Been Gone, But Where?

Been Gone, but Where?

This past month, I slowly made my return to a sense of normality and momentum. There have been times when a tremendous amount of change happens all at once. This is not that, but something definitely shifted. What happened? A few things at once.

After a well-planned first six months of the year, the months since July have been a jumble of unplanned new roles, continued travel, and unexpected emotional work. It has all been important but not well planned or understood. Things felt like they were going off trail, but were they?

I trust my instinct. I trust my nudges and follow them. It doesn’t mean I always have clarity; in fact, I usually don’t.

I know that in July I felt very spiritually connected. I felt like I was beginning to move in a new direction. This high boil of creative and connected energy cooled to a simmer in August and went cold in September. These kinds of lows, these doldrums, are painful and confusing. It can feel like I have lost the thread. I try to remember that fallow fields rest and restore. They are not dormant. Under the surface, all is breaking down to be used again.

After spending all of August in Chiang Mai, Thailand, I traveled to Canada to see my daughter, Audrey, who transplanted to Edmonton, Alberta, for graduate school. I spent September in Minnesota with my family and friends. Now I have returned to Goa with my youngest, Frank, who came along for an adventure. I am back to Shantanu, to our work, our flat, and the beach here on the Arabian Sea.

I know I am growing. I am expanding into new levels of my existing cycles. I have to become a new version of me to do that. I do not have certainty regarding what I need or what that will look like. I had a path I was walking, but as it is winding and turning, I am doing my best to take in what is here.

During this time I have had my own work to guide me through. I keep a complex, interlayered system made of images, writing, inspirational quotes, and both long- and short-term goals. This digital spread tops my daily to-dos and schedule. I pass by it daily, and even if I don’t read it word for word, it is noted in the background.

Keeping my goals in front of me in this way helped me not panic as things shifted. Not all aspects of my vision for my life can be developed simultaneously. I often have one aspect that is front and center while the others take side roles. In this case, a side role came front and center.

I have a vision of my family healthy, happy, and doing meaningful work in the world. They aren’t all there yet, and they are at different stages with unique struggles and issues. Some of these were the focus in September. Remembering my goal and combining that reminder with dearly earned wisdom that not all chaos or crisis is bad — it can be the breaking down of the old to make way for the new — has been particularly helpful.

Without my written and visual reminders of this long-term goal, I think my family’s need of me would have created some inner turmoil, and I might have felt pulled from the “work I should be doing now” and anxious about the loss of focus during an important time in my business and professional work.

Well, to be honest, I was anxious and even a little depressed, but these reminders helped me see clearly what was coming forward at this time, knowing it is an important piece of my manifesting vision moving into place. It felt uncomfortable and challenged my emotional and psychological skills greatly, but I had meaning, purpose, and spiritual learning to back me up and support me.

My partner and I have been getting to the final stage of creating a new community for coaches. Helping people to help people has been the vision for the last five years, and it is coming to fruition.

Our shared goal — also one on the list — is to create more support for mental health in the world. In order to fulfill the work of the expanded contract I accepted, I have to give up nearly all of the clients I was seeing one-on-one within the organization. However, I’m now able to support many coaches, allowing me to indirectly support over 600 people through the amazing, healing work we do in this organization. I couldn’t see this at first and was concerned that I was expanding this role in place of my spiritual work, but now I do see how this, too, aligns with my long-term vision.

This reflection has helped me allay my fears that I was taking a side trail that was leading me away from my true purpose. My trail is winding but not wrong. I am following my nudges, and they are a wonderful compass leading me to fulfill the visions and purpose I feel I am here to live.